EMOTIONAL BULLYING PARENTS

imagesCAPF0N0K

When you think of bullies, you often think of children terrorizing other children. However, it is important to note that even parents can be bullies. Bullying parents exist, and they can cause real problems in children’s lives. Some parenting styles can lead to bullying. It is important to carefully consider your behavior with children, since it is possible that you are or could become a bullying parent.

Parents often bully hier kids by the way in shich they speak to us. Ive heard numerous things out here, its bad. Things like “uyislima”, “izintanga zakho ziya sebenza wena uhlalele ukusebezelwa yimi” Such words sting hey, people have to hear this everday but because its from an adult/our parents we just have to pull ourselves towards ourselves and be strong.

What is a bully you may often ask,? A bully is someone who is regularly overbearing. He or she looks to cause humiliation or discomfort to another, particularly if that other is weaker or smaller. This can be physical bullying, emotional bullying or mental discomfort and humiliation. It is important to understand that bullying goes beyond physical intimidation. Many people don’t realize that emotional and mental bullying can have just as many long lasting effects as physical bullying – even though the effects are of different kinds. The effects from bullying parents are no less severe.

It may seem strange to think that parents can be bullies, but they can be. Parents who are overbearing, constantly belittling their children or seeking to be controlling, and enforcing rules with a heavy hand, may actually be crossing the line into bullying parent behavior. Indeed, there is a difference between correcting a child’s inappropriate behavior and constantly trying to control every aspect of that child’s life.

Emotional and mental bullying parents
Many bullying parents understand that there is a line when it comes to physicality. Discipline can be a tough subject to tackle, but in general it is much easier to identify bullying behaviors that are physical as opposed to those that are emotional or mental. Emotional and mental bullying works by using methods of demeaning speech and other techniques that are meant to help the bully feel superior.

When bullying parents use this style of parenting, they try and motivate their children by being derisive. This can be especially damaging, since it can encourage a child to think ill of him/herself. This can leave mental scars that can result in depression, as well as set the child up to have difficulty sustaining good relationships. Indeed, if a child learns how to treat people form the example of a bullying parent, he or she is likely to grow to be a bully as well, and may have a hard time developing healthy relationships.

Great insight this artlce has, READ MORE ON:

http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/bullying-parents.html

Advertisements

Fathers are an influence on the daughters future relationships!!!

af4d76c1bbc75607eb392df348b5cc75

It been a long time since i blogged i know. ive been trying to do research and gain insight on why father-daughter relationships in your childhood determine who you end up with in the future? or how your relationship will be with your husband (thats if you ever get married).
Then i found an article written by some female about the status of romantic relationships and it fitted well with what i was trying to achieve. So readers here it goes, all thankx to San Antonio..

The first love of every woman’s life is her father. He’s the sun and moon to his little girl. How he treats her throughout her adolescent life shapes all of her future romantic relationships. So the message is clear, dad’s, treat your daughters like precious treasures.
Absentee Fathers: Daughters who grow up without a father in the house don’t get the opportunity to see firsthand a loving relationship at work. Without dad around, mom must take on the role of both parents which will cause daughters to grow up believing that men are unreliable and women have a double burden to carry when they, themselves, become a parent one day. They never learn what it’s like to share the load of being a family unit.

Financially Unreliable or tight-fisted Fathers: Fathers who fail to provide (whether it’s due to inability or selfishness) create a particular quirk in many daughters who grow up in this type of deprived environment. Many will overcompensate for this lack by becoming so financially independent that future relationships with men suffer. At their core, men need to feel needed, and if a woman becomes so closed off to accepting financial help (or help of any kind), even when shared in a relationship, because she does not want to feel obligated to any man, it sabotages fledgling relationships. Daughters may also go in an opposite direction seeking a father figure with a large bank account willing to spend it. In this situation, the women never learn what it is to share in an equal relationship, but spend their life being “daddy’s little girl”. Such a romantic relationship is unhealthy.

Abusive Fathers: By far, the worst kind of father is one who is abusive because the emotional and mental damage never heals. Daughters of abusers grow up feeling as if there is something wrong with them, that they are unworthy of being loved. Their whole view on relationships becomes skewed and they subconsciously seek out other abusers. Why? The reason is simple. Abuse is all they knew and therefore, was the example set in their formative years. It’s rare for women to break out of the cycle of abuse when raised with it as the norm. It matters not if the abuse was physical, emotional and/or psychological in nature. All are equally damaging.

Cheating Fathers: Second only to abusive fathers, serial cheaters set a destructive example for daughters who are aware that their fathers cheat on their mothers. They become distrustful, and expect that this is just how men are. Therefore, they end up, often, with a cheater in their adult life. Their belief that men are cheating dogs becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy as they find themselves being cheated on by a man when they enter into a relationship. Now, this isn’t always the case. Again, some women can go in an opposite direction, seeking out someone that will never cheat on them, but this is rare.

This is why it is so important for young men to understand that being a father is more than being a sperm donor. It’s a life long committment to a child where no matter his past shenanigans, it’s time to grow up and be a man! The example they set will affect their children for a lifetime.

A thank you note to the AVAILABLE but UNAVAILABlE father…

Well this blog has had so many people talking and wanting to express their opinion and feelings about the roles that their fathers played and didn’t play..

I’m glad that it has created a platform for my peers and family to VENT AND EXPRESS so here you go:
To all those peeps who’s dads were run away dads and still managed to be great beings I think you can relate.

TRIBUTE TO ALL THE SINGLE MOMMYS WHO ARE BOTH MOMS AND BEST DADS.. THIS IS FOR YOU 🙂

Some say Daddy, some say Papa while some say Taima all the words that describe a father…well these are just words to me instead the word “FATHER” for me only exist in prayer! When I turn to the only father that has consistently and permanently been there in my life. Father God.

Explaining this further, see the reason why I say the word “FATHER” was not nonexistent in my vocab is the fact that my biological father was somewhere out there living his life, left behind 4 kids with just their mother. Most single parent headed families are having it hard and YES we had it hard as well…got aware of it when my mom’s 1st born was in varsity. And my mom lost her job, at this point- we were a definition of “Re tshwere ka thata”, but if you didn’t know mercy and grace intervenes in everything as long as its invited.

I can’t dwell much on the negative…its 21 years later and a few months, I speak proudly as a graduate, heading to my post-graduate degree. Blessed with a lot and still on the way to greatness. Maybe if my father was indeed available it would have turned out differently…see what I have not mentioned is that this man had a good job lived a lavish lifestyle a BALLER if I should put it like that, but hardly spent a 1000 on his kids except for a box of juices that he came with when I was in grade 3 in eons. Maybe if. Me and my siblings had a silver spoon in our mouths, we would not have turned out to be the people that we are today. hence the thank you to the Available but Unavailable father. It is through this man that my mom turned around the definition of a double sword parent into a positive one… Inspiring all of us to not be dependistas but do it for ourselves. Although I did not have the word “Father” running though my tongue from childhood till adult phase, I’m proud to say Mma (mother) made it possible.

In conclusion of da matter…maybe single parent (Mother) headed families should add a new name to the dictionary that defines a mother and a father at the same time. I thank his available unavailability which made me the person I am today…. 🙂

Re tshwere ka thata_it is a hard journey for us!!!

Itumeleng Mokwatlo.

YES DAD YOU BREATHE, YOUR DEAD TO US……

From people’s opinions about atm fathers an issue evolved. The fact that although we are society filled with ATM fathers, society does have fathers that are alive but dead in their own capacity. These fathers were described as fathers that are not available at all to their families. They reside in one house with the family but fail to fulfill their role as the MAN of the house.
Research has served a great purpose for my blog. People whom I thought don’t have daddy issues are the people that requested to have their story told. This has made me and the people around me aware of the anger that we live with. The fact that we are expected to accept the notion of absent or the atm dads, reflects the condition of our society and the way we think.
Read on, this is written by a lady who lives with the DEAD BUT ALIVE father daily for the past 24 years.
Yes your alive, yes you breathe, yes your loved by many, yes your
famous, yes your name ke Papa…but to me you don’t exist at all.

From a young age i always knew you were different but could never
figure out how. Always thought you were the worlds greatest but i
really wasn’t aware of who you really were.

I believe that my perspective of men has been drastically shattered
only cause you didn’t play your part very well.

One morning in the year 2003, you somehow left and never came back
home. At that moment my world just collapsed, my world fell into
pieces. I cried day and night for days on end…to the point of
depression. I fell into depression cauze of what i had heard..i heard
that you were leaving us. I tried to digest what was going on but
failed miserably and that is how i landed up in a psychiatry ward…i
thought maybe you’d come to see me cause i was ill but you didn’t show
up, a week went by and still you didn’t show up.

By then i already knew that you didn’t care much about me.

I don’t know how it happened and why but you found your senses and
came back home. Man was i excited…i mean i had every reason to be
excited. My world was going to look normal, i have my daddy
back.. little did i know this was going to be the worst thing i could
have ever wished for..

You and i fight like cat and dog..i fail to understand why we fight, i
try by all means to make things civil between us but it seems as tho
im hitting at a brick wall. All i ever wished for is for you to be
supportive in my life. All i want is for you to play your role, i want
to be proud to call you ‘daddy’. In all honesty you don’t deserve that
honour.

Heartfelt

Mvela or PSL Fathering….

So i spoke to a stranger about my blog and they thought they had very much to say then just yesterday they sent me this very insightful email regarding their experince with having an ATM father. They asked to remain anonymous so go ahead enjoy the read with trying figure out lol..

I was reading the latest contribution to the blog about ATM fathers and it made me realize that the definition of an ATM father is wide and the circumstances that lead to one being an ATM father vary.
I have a different kind of ATM father one who has always been present in my life, one whom I’ve known from birth up to this point. Family politics or legal constraints did not interfere with the “relationship” between me and him. He had access to see me at any point and I could call him at any time. He made sure that I obtained the best education and that all my needs were catered for, flip!, I was the kid that was envied during xmas time because my dad would show up with a plastic full of xmas clothes: nike, levi’s, etc and of course a huge ass box of fireworks and if you grew up ekasi you would know ukuthi that was a big deal because not many fathers did that for their offspring.
My dad did all of that but he forgot to do one important thing which was to make himself emotionally available to me. I am about to hit a quarter of a century and reflecting back I do not remember a single day where my dad took the time to sit down and have a:“How are doing” conversation with me just to find out what is happening in my life. Guy never took the time to show up at any of the school fun days, prize giving ceremonies, parents meetings. He did not even have the time to teach me how to drive and give me the “Use a condom” lecture.
To me the was a definition of a father was the guy I needed to contact whenever I needed something AKA My living, walking and talking ATM. This was life to me.
It was when I started working when I first realized that me and him had a non-existing relationship because the one thing that kept the “bond” between me and him no longer existed. I was at a stage in my life where I was my own person; I did not need any financial support which meant his main role in my life had been diminished he had been relegated to the mvela league. So where did that leave him then? Where did that leave me?
Signs of tension started to show between me and him because I had picked up the: “ I do not give a sh*t about your opinion because I don’t need you” attitude and he felt helpless because he could not comprehend what was going on because to him he has always been a great father he did what most men failed to do for their kids. To keep it short let’s just say things turned out ugly as a lot of necessary things were said with the only problem being the manner in which they were said.
Yes he screwed up a bit, but yet again I cannot blame him. He grew up being taught by society that a father should only protect and provide for his family, all the other emotional “sissy” stuff was the mothers job. He however forgot that times had changed and we were living in an environment where fathers played a more prominent role in their children’s life than before.
I am sharing this with you guys with no intention of bashing my dad, he may not be perfect but he is still my dad and I will always regard him highly in my life. I will forever be grateful to him because the little that I did learn from him contributed in making me the person I am today. After all, most of the great South African soccer players started off kuMvela and they made their way up in the ranks and became the greatest.

Have your say and commentabout this. Maybe your experince is very similar to this one.

ATM Fathers continued

atm dadds

So Sunday was father’s day, most of yall kept bugging me about why I’m not blogging about father’s day? Reason are 1. I spent the morning with myKING, 2. the rest of the day was dedicated to my academic assignments. 3. Father’s day has never been celebrated on the same day as Youth day so it (father’s day) was overshadowed by June 16. *don’t bite my head off* YES YOU Xkay…
The atm father entry brought out anger and frustration from the readers. Yes there a lot of atm fathers actually more than we think.
Some people blame the justice system because of the divorce terms and conditions. They conclude that the system and the bitterness of divorce led for their fathers to assume the role of atms and not their full parental role. The system treats fathers as nothing more than just financial services. The state makes the fathers look like incompetent parents after the divorce yet the same fathers were very competent and hands on before stuff in the marriage became sour.
One man says that they feel hurt and destroyed that they are unable to provide for their kids financially therefor the mother banned him from even seeing the kids. If a man can’t provide financially, does that make him half a man? Really? It breaks the heart of some men that if a specific time comes and they are broke then that means no kids for that broke period.
I think that as society we need to rethink the role of abo baba in our lives.
Is it fair to say that being an atm dad is not by choice but by the system and the relationship that the parents have and ends sour? Is it because of bitter moms?
Comment and open up, lets get yall talking and sharing.

ATM Fathers

More than half of South African children live without their fathers, this is according to Tebogo Monama of the Sowetan Newspaper (18 June 2012). Research by the University of Johannesburg and non-governmental organisation Sonke Gender Justice found that absent fathers wanted to be more than ATMs to their children but because of the complicated relationships with their mothers and black customs like “inhlawulo” the kids are suffering. (Sowetan 18 June 2012)
There is a continuingly growing trend of ‘ATM fathers ‘these are the men who plant their seeds anywhere without much thought. They assume the role of an ATM without playing any significant role in the lives of their children. I believe that everyone needs more than just money from any relationship. More especially, as a child we need love, nurturing, authority and validation from both parents in order to be an emotionally healthy individual/adult when you have to raise your own. (Keletso Thobego of Mmegi blogs)
With black culture, costs related to having a child (inhlawulo) and marriage (lobola) are key drivers of why most young black men today don’t want to get married and will resort to being the ATM dad. (blady excuse). When a relationship ends between two individuals who have a child, women tend to be the ones who are left to care for the baby, nurturing and spending more time with the child. This therefore makes it difficult for men to play their parental role (which is not only buying ama khimbi ne bisi or imali ka doctor). When the relationship between two parties involved ends horribly, woman then tend to use the children as weapon to disrepute the father. They tend to deprive the father of time with the child but ALWAYS DEMAND monetary contributions. This is unfair because already mommy is forcing you to have perception of whom or what daddy is in your life. (the financial contributor)
Back in the day, when people had children they were forced to get married. Possibly we should go back to doing this because it did influence responsibility and accountability. This will somehow reduce the nation we are brewing of a dysfunctional society of people intertwined in empty, complicated relations. (Keletso Thobego of Mmegiblogs)